january to may (2022)




And, truly, God alone knows how the unhappy youth overcame his desire to kill himself, for everything that binds human beings had fallen away from him.

You’re only a rebel from the waist down

The gentleness of heaven broods

Even on this very local level in this very small church in this small town, it still held that sort of - held you in the palm of its darkness. And it was something I carried with me, never forgot, brought into my music. And it’s been in my music ever since.

I wonder how many rivers/hills/forests are between your body and my body, I wonder which direction they flow

Katabasis

Van headlights behind a white flowering tree with the moon beautiful and blurred by clouds and the sky’s half violet

And all that remained before us was an empty, glowing window, a rectangular hole piercing the opaque night, showing our aching eyes a world composed of lightning and dawn.

Poetry leads to the same place as all forms of eroticism- to the blending and fusion of separate objects. It leads us to eternity, it leads us to death, and through death to continuity. Poetry is eternity; the sun matched with the sea.

I want to have my throat slashed while violating the girl to whom I will have been able to say: you are the night.

Cape Town
Lindsay, Ontario
The undercroft and Hampden/Remington (underworld at large) (check journal)
St marks (bad, great)
The woods/arazi/gathering rituals
St timothy’s
Go driving haunts (Monkton, coffee shops)
Prigels, farm stand (check journal)
Basement music era

Won’t you believe me
Baby I don’t care

When the pawn hits the conflicts he thinks like a king
What he knows throws the blows when he goes to the fight
And he’ll win the whole thing ’fore he enters the ring
There’s nobody to batter when your mind is your might
So when you go solo you hold your own hand
And remember that depth is the greatest of heights
And if you know where you stand then you know where to land
And if you fall it won't matter ’cause you'll know that you're right

ok actually maybe i will get into it

And he knows, already, that he is nowhere near that brave or that cowardly.

And for a minute it felt like the end of september when nothing had happened to me and I didn’t know my way around anywhere. The air is warm again, the chill doesn’t mean ”this will get a lot worse after 9 pm and you will freeze somewhere in lower manhattan”. cherry blossom tree in the night. it seemed older and truer than I am, or than I am right now.

I don’t know how to tell you what it’s like. I think things might run too deep for me to ever fix, even if it did turn out I’m wrong. I think the difference between you and me is you think you’re something different and I think I’m something worse. You half believe it and I know it in my bones.

I’m doing really badly I think I believe I have to justify my existence because if I didn’t I would just leave it and kill myself

Ill be true. Ill be useful. Ill be cavalier. Ill be yours my dear.

I wake up in his arms, but he doesn’t let go, and he isn’t smiling.

The delirious spaces between atoms

I want to live according to this love. I wake in terror.

Swans: it darkens and darkens. Gods flicker.

Do you think I care so little for you that betraying me would make much of a difference

He’s like you. If you can save him, that means you can be saved too.

Taxi driver
Panic in needle park
Belle du jour
Orphee
On any given sunday
A midsummer night’s dream Julie taymor
Last tango in Paris
Breaking away
Eyes wide shut
Titane
Sergei Parajanov
Mysterious skin
Trans Europ-Express
Big fish
Power of art 2006
The talented mr ripley
La piscine
The leopard

so intimate and so alone

in the right holy light

I’m glad you were in my story.
I’m glad I was in your feeling.

vivisection- gleams- dark and inignorable

On the edge of greatness